The Surgery Tales

Oh yeah, you like that? Don't deny you wanted to see it up close. I know the four or five people that read this thing and you wanted to hear the tales and see the scars, well here you go...

So, I tore my ACL in my right knee playing volleyball. When it happened it didn't seem like that big of a deal... I thought it was just a hyperextention and then I heard some pops and couldn't walk without my knee giving out. So I iced it over the weekend and it balloons up and is crazy swollen come Monday and I figure I better go see the Dr and see what I did. I told her my story and she sends me to go get x-rays and an MRI... how fun. I get those done, she gets the results, and I get sent to an orthopedic specialist... fyi: when Dr do that it means bad news. So I go see him and he can tell just by moving my leg that my ACL is toast and starts talking to me about my options. All of which require me to take it easy for a bit which totally ruins my summer sand volleyball plans and really pisses me off. But in order to get the most use back of my knee I have to have surgery.

Surgery gets scheduled. I lose my job (you know that story). Awesome. I go to NYC to visit Cousin and she drags me all over the city. The big day finally arrives. Yippee.
I've never been put under so I'm expecting to be totally crazy, but I held my own in the crazy talk dept... or so I think. Before I go into surgery my dad decides to write on my left knee the words "wrong one" just in case someone gets a little confused or happy with a scaple. The Dr comes in and initials my right knee to mark the "right one" just in case someone can't remember what's going on and it's hospital policy... whatever. People keep writing on me. So, I'm doing fine with my IV, paper gown, and hairnet and they finally wheel me in. now it really didn't sink in until they started moving me into the operating room that I was going to be HACKED OPEN AND GIVEN A CADAVER BODY PART. But don't worry, as I was moving from the gurney to the operating table I heard a familiar sound that helped me know everything was going to be just fine...

David Cook singing "This is the Time of My Life".

No joke.

I started to giggle a bit and then realized that I sounded crazy and quickly stopped. Some Dr was talking to me about being put under and then the next thing I know I am being wheeled recovery and am shivering uncontrollably. Don't worry, RN What's Her Name to the rescue with Morphine!!! Yeah RN What's Her Name for saving the day!!!

So my parents are finally allowed to see me and we wait 4 hours to get me into my room. The time finally arrives and RN What's Her Name is pissed that it's taken this long and has given me ice chips and apple juice to keep me happy (Mistake #1). I was fine with the drugs, but okay. so she tells me that she wants me to go to the bathroom and change me into a real gown before I go up to my room (Mistake #2). So she makes me get up and drags me into the bathroom with my IV poll and all and sits me down and starts to help me change gowns when I tell her that I have to throw up, like now. So I do... all over the new CLEAN gown she just put on me. So I'm feeling pretty bad for her, but way better on the nausea side and I keep telling her, " I'm sorry I threw up on the clean gown. If you get me another one I promise not to throw up on it." I must have told her that about 3 times while she put the new gown on me.... so much for holding my own.

I get in my room and the pain is starting to come back and so I tell the new RN What's Her Name and she asks me "on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is your pain?" In my mind I start to go back to a Brian Regan comedy show I've seen about him going to the ER and the same question coming up... so all I want to say is 8, but I stick with 4 'cause it wasn't really that bad. New RN What's Her Name leaves and brings back something new... Demerol and boy is it super!!! If Demerol and Morphine were in a fight Demerol would totally win because he'd sit on Morphine and totally smother him because man, he's one heavy dude! All I remember saying after getting the Demerol was "I feel heavy" and "Am I slurring my speech?" and thinking "Did I remember to breathe just then?" I remembered, don't worry.

The night was filled with some lady coming to take my vitals every hour for the first little while and then beeping things and RN What's Her Name coming to my rescue to stop said beeping. Altogether though, it was pretty good for my first hospital stay. I got breakfast, saw my Dr, my parents came to rescue my from the horrible night they just knew I was going to have, lunch, some physical therapist put a belt around me and drug me around for a while with my new walker, and I was allowed to go home!!

Oh, that's right. You heard right...

I have a walker and I know that you're jealous.

I've decided that it's gonna be the latest and greatest craze and everyone is gonna want one. It really has been a lifesaver though. I hate crutches and wouldn't have lasted long on them, so my walker is the perfect solution. We are two peas in a pod.

I also have another contraption called "The Torture Chamber" or a continual motion machine. It basically bends my knee for me without putting pressure on the new ACL. I have to spend at least 5 hours a day on this thing and increase the degree of the bend 5 degrees everyday...

Can you see the horror?! I hate this thing, but it does what it's supposed to and actually helps a lot with loosing up the new ACL.

That's the story for now kids. Go and get yourself a walker! They are the new red hot accessories for the summer!